today was a doozy.
i mean, a real knock down, pull my hair out, cry all day, lie in bead, scare my kids, wish i were dead, doozy of a day.
i have known things were off for a few weeks now, but going to the doctor for myself with 3 kids, 1 working husband, 2 working grandmas, a sister with a newborn, and no babysitters during the day is not something that happens a lot. i was hoping it was just a "funk" that would go away but i was not so lucky today. it seems my medication is not working. i hate when this happens. i hate that i have a chemical imbalance that makes me depressed. it is so embarrassing. i feel like i should know how to do this by now, i mean i have been taking medication for nearly 13 years. i can do so well for so long, but when i don't do well, it scares me to death. this depression is real, and it is debilitating.
how can i be capable of even feeling this way? how can i feel that my kids would be better off without me? how could i feel like running away, or just ending it all together? how can literally not get out of bed? it is beyond me.... and even though i know its not real, but it sure feels that way.
i know it will be better soon, it has to get better.
i have 3 kids that NEED me and a husband that loves me. today was the worst day yet because i saw what my depression was doing to my kids. poor jude felt it the second we woke up. he reacts by throwing tantrums, i think to try to get me to react or change my mood. he doesn't understand why i am crying or why i am unable to get out of bed. he thinks it is him. he kept throwing fits, and telling me that i hated him. greta cried with me, telling me to stop crying. ezra just sat on me, snuggling me and then sitting up and looking at my face. it was really bad. my kids cannot comprehend this. i cannot believe i let it get to this. i am a walking, talking, oozing "depression hurts" commercial.
thankfully my mom was able to leave work and come and rescue my kids from their crazy mother. i do not know what i would do without my mom, she never judges me, she just comes hugs me and takes over. i never even have to ask, she just does. my kids go to her and know that the can find a safe haven with her. what would i do without her? this isn't the first time my mom has had to take the wheel for me because of my depression, and it won't be the last.
i hate this part of me but i was born
this way. i struggled with depression as a child, a teen, and now as an
adult. i am just glad that i live now, and not when my great-grandma
did in the early 20th century. the poor woman was put in a mental
institution around my same age and never left. i could not survive without modern medication and my wonderful support system.
tomorrow is a new day, and it has to be better than today. trevan will be with me and i'll go meet with my doctor and hopefully i will be back on the road to normalcy.
10 comments:
Oh Kennan,
How well I understand! It's horrifying to 'see' yourself in that condition, isn't it?
I always think, "why can't I just snap out of this, get a grip?"
It is real.
It's ugly.
It's hard beyond hard.
Somehow our kids are buffered from the really horrible days - now that my kids are mostly grown I hear things like, ''mom, thanks for being so real with us, for letting us see you struggle. It gives us hope for when we struggle - knowing you did it gives us faith in ourselves that we'll make it through the dark days as well."
God knew what he was sending our precious children to. The atonement will make up the difference, I promise, I've already seen that so much in my family.
I know your kids don't know me (nor do you I suppose...only the little girl you...) but I would be happy to step in and be 'grandma', Mary Poppins, or whomever you need if you get stuck without help from your amazing support system.
Hang in there.
This is our trial (and not the only one...)
Somehow we'll make it through the butt kicking days!
Love you!
Denise
If you ever need a babysitter and none of your family is available, you can always call me. I'm usually home, as you know. :) I think you're pretty wonderful, and I hope that your dr can figure out the right dose of the right meds. Please, though, if this happens again, remember me in the lineup of possibilities to help.
I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I hope that your dr will be able to help you. It is wonderful that we have things today that can help us to feel better.
Brave, brave girl. This too shall pass. I love you! XOXO
You have an aunt that would do anything for you, please call if you need me. Love you!
This makes me cry. If I were up there, I would scoop up your children AND you and I would take care of you. I would be there as long as you could stand me. :) I love you more than you will ever know. Hang in there. And remember the love. My love. See you soon!
Kennan- I adore you and your kids and would love to watch them. Take care!
Dear Kennan - just an addendum to my comment. I ache for your mom and terri because they have to work and can't be readily available. You know they would if they could. I don't work. I spend. I would be there until they could get there. I marvel at how much Terri loves and adores you. She says it all the time. And I can only assume your Mom feels the same. There. That's all I wanted to say. I love you too. Hope you're feeling better. More love sent your way.
Thinking about you! Love and prayers sent your way!
So sorry Kennan. I really am. My mom struggled with depression while we were growing up, and I can tell you from the child's perspective, it will be okay. I hope you're doing better.
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