i love being pregnant because of the journey it takes you on but i hate it for the same reason. is the sickeness and weight gain really necessary? this baby is so very active, more so than jude. i feel her move all the time and i love her for moving inside of me. pregnancy is a crap shoot, you never know what you are going to get. i am especially grateful that this baby has decided to stay. of course things can still go wrong but i am grateful that she is here and healthy in my belly today. miscarriages and stillbirths are things that keep me up at night. no one is safe. my best friend and sweetest sister just suffered her 3rd miscarriage and i can't help but feel sick for her. i know what she is going through but somehow i don't think i understand her pain. how can you unless you have been through it all 3 times? i am so sorry dear sister.
i am so worried about having a girl. everyone tells me that i should be excited, and i am but i can't help but wonder if i can do a girl. people seem to have more opinions about girls from naming them to how you should dress and accessorize them. maybe its because of the bad things that can happen to little girls, things that happened to me. it's a dangerous and scary world. i think i can raise a son to be a good man but how do i teach a girl to protect herself from unseen enemies? i know things can happen to boys too but it just hits closer to home more for a daughter.
maybe its because i love my jude so much and my nephews before him, i know i like boys. i know i will love her, i already do, yet somehow the love you have for them carrying them and actually having them is so different. maybe it is just the fact that i am having another one. sometimes i feel like i am betraying jude and other times i feel like i am betraying her. how can i love her as much i as love jude? i know all of this is normal but is new to me. i am just scared.
anyway...... just some things i have been thinking about. i worry too much. but how can you not? if there is anything i have learned in life is that nothing is what you thought it would be, sometimes better, sometimes worse, and sometimes just different.
i just finished eating the best big mac of my life. the problem is that with each and every bite i couldn't help thinking "do i really need this?". the answer is probably no but today it felt like a yes. thank you mcdonalds for making me feel complete for tonight.
2 comments:
Oh Kennen, I love you. You aren't worrying too much at all. I had the same worries about not being able to give Gabby as much attention as I would before the baby came. For two weeks before Ella came I would find myself close to tears because I was feeling bad for what Gabby might no longer get. Amazingly, things work out, you know that, and things fell into place like nothing had ever changed. So long story short, you will be wonderful because you already are wonderful.
Sheena is so right! Kennan you are such a wonderful mom, and you have SO SO SO much love to give, so not only will you be loving this little girl to pieces, but Jude will be getting double the love because his little sister will adore him like his mom! :-)
I'm very lucky to have friends like you that really show how wonderful the adventure of motherhood is!
Hope all is well!!!
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