a (delayed) love affair.

ezra.

what joy and what love.

i have fallen head over heels in love with sweet ezra.

i struggle with newborns. i know, i know, who doesn't love a newborn? well, i don't, especially my own. i mean, of course i love them but i am not in love with them. it takes me a good month or so until i feel a real bond with my kids. it was that with jude, it was that way with greta, and i knew it would be that way with ezra.

with my post-partum depression it is hard to focus on the "real" emotions those first couple of weeks, it's hard know if what i am feeling is really how i feel. for example, i was really resentful of ezra at first, i felt he ruined a good thing that we had going with 2 kids and that life would never be the same. i resented the fact that he relied solely on me for nourishment but at the same time i would not allow a bottle so i wouldn't be judged. i didn't want the responsibility of taking care of another child, especially a newborn. i could not believe i had to get up in the middle of the night again. i felt like a robot, doing what i was programmed to do, not what i wanted to do. i would read other mother's blogs who had babies around the same time as me and hate on them for loving their babies. i wanted to be in love, i just wasn't. here we are a few weeks later and it's a whole other story. i am out of that PPD haze, i know those feelings were not real. i knew that then too but, i didn't feel that way.

i feel so lucky to be out of that haze and back to the old me, even if i am highly medicated (getting less so every week FYI). i am so glad that i have fallen in love with my baby. our bond is unbreakable now. these days, i can't wait to feed him, i love his little hand on my breast and the coos he makes when he's full. i love how our family dynamic has changed since he has joined us, we feel like a real family now. i can't fathom wanting to do something other than being a mother, ezra's mother. my heart aches every night as another day is over with him but, every morning is brilliant because i get to start a new day with him. ezzie is the sweetest boy and best little baby, he is magic. i am so blessed that i get to be his mommie. me and ezra? our love is true. it's everlasting, just like it was/is with his big brother and sister.

i knew we would get here.

i'll love you forever.

i'll like you for always.

as long as i'm living,

my baby you'll be.