{its quite personal and dear to my heart}
these past two weeks have been my worst mothering days yet. i have been wanting to "blog" about them for sometime but can't find the words {or the energy} to write about it. so here it goes.
my heart is breaking, i feel like i am failing. i have chosen the career path of mothering. it was my choice. i eat, breathe, and sleep parenting. my kids are the first thing i think about when i wake and the last thing i think about before i drift off into my happy place. i love them with every single thing that i am. i strive to help them succeed and to help them feel loved.... but i think i am failing in my attempts with my first born.
jude went to pre-school 2 weeks ago and 9 days later jude was done. jude cried at preschool and wanted his mommie. after 4 attempts {2 successes and 2 failures) his preschool coordinator told me that he probably wasn't ready for preschool and handed me papers about a child wellness center that deals with autism and other disorders. this lady spent 20 minutes with my crying 3-year old and decided that because he didn't fit into her preschool he was autistic. needless to say i pulled him out of that preschool right then and there. i was beyond offended. however, i was a little embarrassed. whether i should have been or not, i was. how was is that every other kid in his class didn't cry so hard they had to be sent home? how come all of my friends and families children can be okay with preschool? i thought i had prepared him. i thought we were ready. how was i to know?
for the record, i am a first time mom and i DO NOT know what i am doing. i don't know what is considered normal and what i should be concerned about. poor jude has to be the guinea pig {i am so sorry jude}. i know that this preschool woman had no business saying anything to me but what she insinuated cut me to the bone. as i said before, this is my career, this is all i do. i can't fail at this, what would that mean? i did not know this would be this hard. i clearly would not have signed up for this had i known..... but i did.
jude is jude and he is wonderfully handsome, intelligent, and delightful little boy. that being said, he is really hard for me right now. he has some serious separation anxiety issues when it comes to me. jude can be quite "aggressive" with his little sister. he has very intense tantrums and some rage moments that scare me. all of these things were of note to me before preschool but i thought going to preschool would help with all of these things. now, i think if this said preschool would have had a little more patience, love, and understanding it would have worked out, but it didn't and here i am picking up the pieces. i figured these issues that are happening are a little bit beyond my area of expertise.
today we met with our pediatrician who i love and trust to discuss some of jude's issues with. after about an hour us expressing our concerns and fears dr. cramer came up with a game plan for us. he explained to us that some of jude's issues were normal {tantrums, boundary pushing, and some separation anxiety} and others not so normal {rage, "aggressiveness", and severe anxiety}. our first step is to turn off t.v. completely at our house. jude's aggressiveness is a result of television watching and him mirroring what he sees when his frustrated. secondly, we will stop giving time-outs and replace them with holding jude because he cannot calm himself down properly in time-out. third, we will try to look at jude when he is upset through his eyes and talk him through it. lastly, we are going to try to have jude be more involved with play dates and specifically play dates when i am not there. jude needs to learn that he can trust someone that is not family. {fyi.... i guess you are suppose to have people other than family watch your children?} dr. cramer also assured me that preschool is not a requirement for a reason, its not entirely needed and that jude surely did not need to go to preschool to learn anything academically because he is very intelligent for his age. dr. cramer said that jude would benefit much more from a preschool that focused more on play and social interaction and that gave out lots of hugs. poor jude, he just needed a little tlc and the newcastle school obviously could not offer that to jude. after lots of tears on my part, we left the office feeling reassured that everything was going to be okay {have i mentioned my love for dr. cramer yet?}.
i am worried for my little angel boy. i have clinical depression and moderate to severe anxiety and have had these things from a very young age but i went untreated and undiagnosed until i was about 17. once i was diagnosed things went much more smoothly for me and anyone else who knew me. also, we were also able to see that i presented these issues very early on in my life but no one knew what was really going on. i worry that jude too has depression and anxiety. dr. cramer addressed jude's susceptibility to depression as well and we are going to watch jude and see how he does after our 4 step program. i don't want that for him. freak, i don't want that for anyone. i know i am a poster child for anti-depressants but i know they don't work as well for everyone as they do me. i don't want any of this to be a part of who jude is. i hate that i may have passed that nasty gene right on down to him..... not that i will love him any less its just a really hard road to travel. i want him to be happy and loved. i want him to be okay. i just want him.
i just want to know everything will be okay. i want to read ahead. i am a big ending ruiner. my whole life i have read the end of books shortly after starting them to make sure it would be worth the read. i frequent moviepooper.com so i can know how movies end. i don't like not knowing. if i could only read ahead to 20 years from now and know that everything would be okay, i know i could do this. just a glimpse of my family in once piece. i don't need to know everything, i just need to know that i can do this. i need to know that my parenting will pay off. i need to know my jude is going to be okay..... but the reality is that can't read ahead. i have to play this guessing game of trial and error. i am aiming for the stars and hoping i can at least get the moon. i read all the parenting books i can get my hands on but none of them can show me what i need. i think what i need is a break, a refresher but i don't think us mom's ever really get that. i will just have to settle with a good nights sleep and a new day tomorrow.
i am just struggling. i want to be the best mom i can be to my 2 little darlings. today, i am feeling not so good but tomorrow will be better. i get to wake up to those 2 darlings and they will love me even if am i not.
p.s. i love being a mom, really i do.
2 p.s. did you catch the part about no tv? wow. that's a whole other blog entry, more on that later
16 comments:
Ok. You can totally do this. You've been doing this.
Mommyworld is new to all of us - and it's scary as crap!
I constantly worry that decisions I make now will mess Dmitri up in the long term. And unfortunately there's no way of knowing - you just have to start fresh everyday and hope they forgot the mistakes we made the day before.
The good thing is they're still young - and they don't know we're new at the mommy game. As far as they know we're seasoned pros ;)
But I will tell you - you're kids are so lucky to have you as a parent. You have done everything you can do for your kids. I don't think there are many parents that would read multiple parenting books - or have an hour session with the pediatrician. So that's pretty awesome right there!
I think the steps his pediatrician came up with are a good start. Lol and I'm on Jude's side! It's hard to be away from your mom! Mom's are awesome.
If you keep listening to him - and keep hugging him, and be patient with him, you wont fail him.
And holy cow I don't know how you didn't hurt that teacher. It made me angry just reading that!
AND - preschools not for everyone. I didn't go to preschool and I think I turned out okay :}
AND AND! I swear this totally works {after watching it on Nanny 911 - and I've tried it} if you get down to your kids eye level - and talk to them calmly like they're a person and not a kid - they seem to calm down faster and are more willing to talk.
Hang in there - it will get better!
Dear Kennan,
I am 20 years down the road, you are describing my oldest (as well as the genetic predispositions) The advice Dr. Cramer gave you would have done me a world of good!!!! I did do somethings right: We've never really had tv to speak of and I will support it from every angle. It made him a monster, even when he was watching educational PBS. We discovered that at about two. We watch movies together, but NO TV, just NO!
This could go on and on and on but what I think you really need to hear is that Stephen suffered from depression, anxiety, has physical health issues as well, we did our best with the information available...they know SOSOSOSO much more now! Stephen will be 23 in November. He is happily married, an amazing husband!!!!! Attending school at BYUH and doing very well. He's a man! He's a really really good man! AND we have a great relationship! Preserve the relationship, love, love and love through all the hard days/weeks/months/years (AND to my credit, I never really did give him away - I felt like such a failure with him but I never stopped trying...Your using your resources well. Don't forget who's child he was first...He knows how to guide you as well.
I love you!
PS We actually had a Dr. tell us to seriously consider NOT having children because of our genetics, honestly. And he only knew about the allergies...not the mental illness on all side of the family, in every variety, the autoimmune disease threats, etc. Am I sorry we did? NO NO NO I love everyone of them. Yes, we're ALL on meds. But the medical/mental health industry has met our needs for the most part and we're closer as we've had to cling to each other through it all.
I was just thinking of something - maybe when we do the playdates we should start out with it just being Jude, that way Cohen & Jude can just have some guy time and they can have all the attention. I mean Greta is adorable, and so it's way hard not to always be watching her, which would probably be hard at a new person's house. Maybe? What do you think? Anyway, let me know when you want to do this. Seriously, I'm open Friday or any day next week!
I love you! You are brave. My kids and I also love a little TV. You can do this....so can Jude.
P.S. You were a lot nicer once they put you on meds. You are a different person. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
Kennan,
I am eileen's niece on the Federer side of her family. I really wanted to comment on your post, I hope you don't mind. I think it is absolutely wonderful that your child threw a fit at preschool, that means he loves where he is, at home. Kids his age are supposed to react that way, most don't because they've been pushed away from their home since birth. The preschool teacher was way off base. She doesn't know what she's talking about. Did you ever think that maybe something is wrong with her? I hope you let Jude be Jude! Keep him close and listen to yourself, you know him best! Holley
Brave girl...brave for posting about this, brave for seeking professional advice, brave for standing up for your little guy, brave for turning of the TV, brave for facing your own demons and the list goes on and on. Jude's a lucky little man to have you for his Mommy (and that wasn't coincidental, by the way). Oh how I love you both! XOXOXO
Whether or not things turn out the way that you want or plan, they will be just the way they are supposed to be.
For my part, I believe that we are ALL predisposed to one form of disability or another. We're all screwed up, we come that way. That's the nature part. It's a matter of what happens in life that allows us to either overcome it or let it control us. That's the nurture part. The two intertwine to make us who we. The nurturing guides or molds our nature into what we make of it.
You are doing just the right thing to give Jude what he needs to overcome anything that might be waiting there for him.
And just so you know, Jane did that too. There were days that the teachers had to peel her fingers off of me and restrain her as I drove away. I felt horrible... and now she's fine.
Kennan all I can say is that I love you and I think you are the worlds greatest mom for doing what your doing. Im sorry for all the struggles but hang in there. And if you want me to head to Jude's preschool to do some ass kicking let me know. We will keep you in our prayers. And I would LOVE to have him over to play with Brinn ANYDAY you just let me know. Lvoe ya girl
You can do it. Just follow your doctor's orders. It will then just become part of the routine. Jude is cute and smart. Depression runs in my family and I have vowed to watch my boys like a hawk for signs of it so I can catch it early. You have great motherly instincts so you DO know what you are doing! Kennan! Girl! Hang in there. I love your face!
The only way you can fail at mothering is if you quit trying to do your best.
I think the atonement covers mothering as well as anything else. I do the best I can and know that someone else will pick up the slack.
I'm not perfect and neither are my kiddos. None of us are. And that's okay.
You're gonna make it.
Hang in there.
Kennan, You don't know me, but I am a former neighbor of your sister, Brooke. I have been a long time reader of your blog and this post has hit all too close to home for me. I am right there with you!! We just about got thrown out of a playground because of my almost 3 year olds aggression. I am also a mom again as of 8 weeks. I am having a hard time adjusting to having two kids, and dealing with the changing attitude of my son. I have done everything I can think of to stop the aggression. I too feel like I am failing as a mother. I'm just glad you have the courage to actually seek the help you need and then to blog about it. I am going to try this 4 step program and see if it helps us. (when we lived in Utah, Dr. Cramer was our pediatrician too, and I too love him!) Thank you so much for this post. Please know that you aren't alone! I know that we both will get through this, it's just going to take some time.
Kennan,
Forgive me for stumbling onto your blog. I am an old friend of Robyn's. I have been teaching elementary school for 12 years, and honestly, I couldn't tell you which kids had pre-school or not. I only put my own children in pre-school for the social interaction, academics at that age truly do not put kids ahead. In the public schools we are NOT allowed to diagnose any kids with anything. We are not qualified. I have worked with every type of kid imaginable, including down-syndrome and severely autistic to mild learning disorders and truly gifted kids. The greatest indicator of a child's success from my experiences is parent involvement. You can do this, don't give up on yourself, work hard with him, make sure he always feels loved, and be involved. I feel bad that the preschool didn't help you... 3 of my 4 kids have had some sort of learning issue (mainly speech, hearing, and processing issues). There are resources available in each district to provide support to parents of pre-school aged students. If you are wondering if Jude qualifies for any of these services, call your district student services and ask for information from the district pre-school. Only 1 of mine so far has been severe enough to qualify for the pre-school, but he is getting the support now that I could not give him myself or could afford to pay private teachers to do. These teachers are trained to work with all sorts of children and they have been nothing but helpful. My little guy is loving pre-school there. Good luck. Contact me if you want to know more about what is available. christinewhatcott@gmail.com
Good luck,
Christine
Who needs preschool anyway? I say that we have "preschool" at Sidewinder Falls!!! I am so sorry! It really is a wonder that when you have a baby they let you - and inexperienced, young, clueless person - leave the hospital with the baby to raise. I swear you need to have a PhD to have a baby. You are doing a good job. I have been around you with your kids and they LOVE you. That is all you can ask for. Good luck with everything!!
Kennan I am so sorry that this made you feel like your not doing your job. You are obviously doing it and then some. Don't let some dumb ladies at a preschool ever make you second guess yourself. You are fabulous and Jude is going to be fine. Trust me. I know, LOL.
I am dying to hear how turning off the TV is going! That would be really hard.
i think it is time to plan another one of our girl getaway weekends! The last one was February! 2 times a year is probably not enough! but seriously what do you say?
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